


my moon & my stars

by yoursidechick



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Eventual Smut, Flirting, Fluff, Gay Sirius Black, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Marauders' Era, Multi, Protective Sirius Black, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Romantic Friendship, james and sirius are the iconic duo, jily, remus has hipster glasses, remus is frickin hilarious, sirius black is sassy af, this is gay, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-07-25 18:29:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16203176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoursidechick/pseuds/yoursidechick
Summary: "god, they're so...affectionate," Remus shuddered quietly. "Yeah!" Sirius whisper-yelled indignantly. "I mean, Marlene is okay, but it's not her dorm. It's two in the morning!". "I guess now we can cross off 'find your best friends shagging on the dorm floor' off our to-do list," Remus joked, looking up at the taller man with a small smile. suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew, causing both boys to get a little closer. "Remind me again why we chose to come up here?" Sirius questioned, wrapping the shorter, shivering man in a sideways hug. I felt Remus shrug and lean his head on my shoulder. "It was your idea. You said it was 'private' up here," Remus drawled, with one of his rare smirks.*STARTS IN THEIR FIFTH YEAR*





	1. you're what??

**Author's Note:**

> first slash fic, comment any ideas or things you would like to see. update when I can. I have school, online school, and lots of other things so it might be around 5-8 days between updates.

I stepped out of the cloud of smoke and onto platform nine and three-quarters, swiveling my head in all directions trying to see one of my friends. Are you an office chair, Remus?" my mother asked, smiling as she appeared beside me, "if not, stop turning your head like that, you'll get a headache." "Sorry, mum," I replied sheepishly. "Just looking for my friends." My mum smiled. "Go find your friends, then. I won't be too far back," mum said. I nodded, turned, and started walking.

If there's one thing I hate more than any part of myself (except my illness, scars, and height) it's that I slouch when I walk. It's only a little bit, but James jokes that I'm 'carrying the world' on my shoulders and I have no muscles so it pushes me down. James is weird. I stepped through another cloud of smoke, this one coming from the train, and saw Sirius's cousin's on the other side. Just Andromeda and the blonde bimbo. Andromeda gave me a small smile and jerked her head back slightly, maybe she was telling me Sirius was further down the platform. I smiled and nodded my thanks, and started walking slightly faster.

I was scanning around so quickly that I didn't even notice when I bumped into someone. I snapped my head straight and saw a short, familiar redhead on the ground. "Lily, I'm sorry!" I gasped, bending down and offering her my hand. "Are you okay? Gosh Lils-" She cut me off with an (extremely tight) hug and a smile. "I'm fine, Remus!" she said cheerfully. "Potter and Black are a short ways back, in case you're wondering. Gotta go meet Marlene! Sorry, bye!" and she ran off. I had to stifle a laugh as I kept walking. Lily was really disorganized and loved to talk, but also had like 500 things going on at once.

As I kept walking, I saw a glimpse of a head with messy black hair. He was going stag though, with no Sirius in sight. "Oi, Prongs!" I yelled, walking faster, almost running into a woman. He whipped his head around and grinned broadly when he saw me. "Moony!" he yelled, shoving someone out of the way as he ran over to me. He grabbed me in an even tighter hug than Lily had.

I laughed and hugged him back, though I couldn't get my arms all the way around him because they were pinned to my side. When he finally let go of me though, he didn't look as jovial as he had a few seconds ago. "Something wrong, mate?" I questioned. James blanched and looked behind him as if expecting someone to pop up.

"Sirius... his parents caught us hanging out and now they're 'having a talk' with him, which could mean they're either talking and threatening him within an inch of his life or hurting him," James said, and for once he looked genuinely sympathetic. I could feel my eyes widen. "Harsh, let's go find him then," I stated. James's eyes lit up as he grinned and threw an arm around my shoulder and started walking. "There's the Moony I know," he said happily as we walked. One good thing is that James and I are pretty much the same height, so I didn't have to jog to keep up with him like I did Sirius.

After a minute or so of walking, we saw Sirius's parents standing with him by one of the walls towards the back of the platform. He was looking at his monsters of guardians with utter hatred. His parents were both taller than him, and his mum had some broad-arse man shoulders I tell you. They were apparently lecturing him, and one of his mother's fingers was under his chin. 

But when his eyes landed on me and James, they lit up and before either of us could do anything he was running towards us, hair flying. He was in front of us not ten seconds later. "Thank Merlin, they were driving me up the bloody wall," he laughed, slapping Prongs on the back. "Ey, Moony. How ya been?" he asked, before hugging me.

I froze. Neither Sirius or I was big on physical contact, but the hug felt good. I wasn't being suffocated, but it wasn't a half-arsed hug either. I hugged him back carefully, in case he had any bruises.

There was a chime of bells, the last warning before the train left," 

"Shite!" I yelled, grabbing each of their arms closest to me and dragging them along.

"Wish your parents a kind farewell, Padfoot!" James laughed.

We had already started running when Sirius turned around, still running but backward and shouted: "have a good mothereffing summer ya fuckin ponces!" before running faster. I didn't approve of the volume he yelled it at, many people were looking at us with expressions of horror. 

We got on the train right as it started moving

\--------------------------------------------------------------------

We found Peter in our usual compartment, stuffing his face. "Couldn't wait to share with us, Pete?" James asked teasingly, giving him a small hug. Sirius stayed back, he and Peter weren't really that close, but I smiled and sat beside him as James and Sirius sprawled out on the other side. 

"How were your guys' summers?" Sirius asked, picking up a cauldron cake. James shrugged. "Nothing really, mate, went to Belgium for dad's business trip, mum drug me to all these hippie muggle places, and I played Quidditch."

"Mine was okay. Violet and I went to Italy to do some research for a month, and I just kinda did my own thing. My parents got divorced though," I sighed, grabbing one of my books.

"Shite, Remus. That bloody sucks. Not the research, we all know you're a nerd,' James winked at the end, but he looked genuinely sympathetic.

"Nothing any of us could have done," I said briskly. "Pete, your summer?" I asked before anyone could talk about it more.

While Peter started ranting about how his cousins had stayed with him the majority of the summer and taken over his room, I opened my book.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

We had been on the train for three hours when the Prefect stepped in, a stern look on her face. Molly may be quite short, but she's pretty intimidating, but she's cool when you stay on her good side.

"Potter! Black!" she barked, eyes on James and Sirius who had just exploded dungbombs in the Slytherin compartment next to us. "Get back in here and explain yourselves! Getting in trouble before the term even starts...how do they do it?" she asked, wearily, turning to me. 

I shrugged. "They call it a gift," I stated simply. 

James and Sirius trudged in, both wearing identical smirks on their faces. And although James was taller than Molly, and Sirius towered over her, they both cowered as she lectured them on the importance of 'not being bloody prats and screwing it up for the whole house.' They nodded, dumbstruck when she was finished. She slid open the door, and as if nothing had happened, turned and said "hope you boys have a great term!" before sliding the door shut again.  
"Sheesh... she's one scary woman," James muttered, wincing slightly as he sat down. "You okay, James?" Pete asked, noticing the wince.

Sirius smirked. "Yeah, fell on his arse when we were running, the look on his face..." he trailed off, dissolving into soundless giggles. "Shove off, mate," James said, but he was grinning as he dug his elbow into Sirius's side.

"Not all of us are so graceful, Sirius," I said, looking up from my book. Sirius snorted. "Yeah, no one's as talented as me," he said, flipping his hair. "Don't do that, mate!" James moaned. "You look like your blonde bimbo of a cousin!" we all laughed slightly at this. She had been walking around last year doing some...things. Supposedly to make Lucius Malfoy notice her, but I didn't know anything for sure, and I wasn't really sure if I wanted to.

"I think imma go to sleep..." Pete said, his voice breaking with a yawn as he leaned against the window. "And don't use those sharpies Remus has to draw dicks all over my face again, please."

"I won't let them, Pete," I assured him, giving James and Sirius a warning looks and their smiles faded.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later, we were at Hogwarts. I stood up, arched my arms above my head, and went to wake up James and Pete, the first of whom thought I was Lily from his dream and wouldn't let go of me until I told him I was interested in Malfoy instead (not true but he let go so it's a win-win I guess). Sirius, for once, hadn't fallen asleep but had been staring out the window since James and Pete fell asleep. 

I snapped my fingers in front of his face. "Oi, you still with us mate?" I asked quietly. He looked surprised but nodded and stood up, cracking his back. "Sorry, Rem. Just thinking," he said, yawning. 

We walked out of the compartment, all in our robes, except I had my regular clothes on under them, unlike Pete, but James looked like a pig so I didn't think McGonagall would care about my jumper. I was the last one of the group out, making sure the other three hadn't tried to skip the school year (yes James and Sirius tried to do it once in our second year). I almost tripped on the last stair, but as I tensed slightly, waiting for the fall to the cold ground, it never came. Sirius and James had grabbed either of my arms.

"Every year, mate!" James said jokingly, running after Peter and leaving Sirius and I alone, walking behind them. "I meant to ask, Remus, how's your sister?" Sirius asked, turning his head to face me. He was talking about Violet, or Vi, as we all called her. She had some sickness where she was tired all the time and had pains so bad she was in St. Mungos for half of the spring term in our second year. "She's...okay. She's okay at the moment, but she's not really 'good'. I've been meaning to ask you too, were your parents-" 

He cut me off sharply. "That's no one's business," he said briskly. I could see a storm brewing in his grey eyes, so I dropped the subject. His eyes softened slightly a moment later. "Sorry, I know you worry. But I'm fine, Remus, I promise," he smiled. 

We were in the Great Hall before we knew it, and I slid into the spot beside Alice Prewett, and Sirius sat on the other side of me. A few of my friends are girls (Lily, Marlene, Dorcas, Alice, etc.) and I don't get why guys are always flirting and acting weird around them.

Don't get me wrong, they were all beautiful and amazing people, on the inside and out, but I would never talk to them like some of the other boys did. If anything, I didn't really feel anything but weird when girls flirted with me. I know they probably don't mean any harm, and they might feel awkward, but I just don't understand it. If anything, I feel more intimidated by the guys.

I had obviously zoned out, because when I tuned back in, McGonagall had started the sorting. 

"Lockheart, Gilderoy," she said in a clear voice. A short, blonde boy, with his hair, gelled so much it looked worse than Snape's on a bad day, took his seat on the stool and smiled. "Ugly little ponce isn't he?" Sirius whispered into my ear. I smiled slightly and shushed him.

"Ravenclaw!" the hat shouted, and the boy freaking strutted over to the Ravenclaw table. "Cocky looking shit isn't he, Rem?" Sirius remarked, scowling. I smiled. "You're being quite hypocritical, Sirius," I joked.

He put his hand over his heart. "Remus," he gasped. "I can't help that I'm better than everyone else!"

I rolled my eyes and turned to where Dumbledore was now speaking at his podium. "First years, your prefects will escort you to your common rooms after the feast. Professor McGonagall will hand out schedules to everyone tomorrow morning t breakfast, so for those of you who like to sleep in, Mr. Potter and Mr. Black I suggest you listen, don't be late. No funny business in the common rooms tonight, get to bed by eleven thirty. Oh, and don't go, under any circumstances, into the Forbidden Forest. The feast will now begin."

Platters of silver suddenly popped up all over the tables. Vast assortments of meats, vegetables, desserts, and anything anyone could care to eat was on the table. I noticed Sirius and James already elbowing people out of the way to get to their food first, good-naturedly of course. I put some roast, potatoes, and vegetables on my plate. I didn't eat a lot. I don't know why but unlike James and Sirius, I didn't need food all the time, or big quantities. I looked over at Sirius's plate. "Bloody hell," I mumbled. It was piled high with chicken, potatoes, Yorkshire pudding, and steak and kidney pie. He grinned at me and started eating his chicken like he hadn't eaten in weeks. "How do you think I fuel all of this awesomeness, Moony?" he asked. 

I saw Marlene roll her eyes a few seats away, but when she saw me she gave a small wave. I smiled and started eating my vegetables. "Sirius, eat a bloody vegetable," I said. His eyes went wide. "What's a vegetable?" I knew he was being sarcastic, but it's better not to force Sirius to do things so I just sighed and let it go. 

Also, the smirk he had when he was being sarcastic was adorable.

"Moony, Prongs smuggled some firewhiskey in," Sirius whispered in my ear when the feast ended. "You in?" 

Before I could answer, Lily came up to me, smiling. "Come on, we have to walk the first years up," she said, grabbing me gently by the arm and pulling me along. I turned around and nodded at Sirius.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------

"They're all so short," I mumbled to Lily as we walked up the stairs to the tower. "I know, it's like their hobbits instead of wizards," she giggled.

When we found ourselves outside the portrait hole, Lily turned to the students. "This, obviously, is the portrait hole that leads to the Gryffindor dorms. There's a new password every week. Boys dorms on the left, girls on the right, there's a plaque outside the door. The password this week is 'fairy lights'. Don't forget it," she said.

All the first years trampled into the room like a bunch of hippies at a craft fair. Lily and I trailed in after them, bidding the other goodbye and going to our respective dorms. When I opened the door, I was almost tackled by James, but I sidestepped him at the last second, letting him run into the wall. I couldn't help but smile a bit when he got up from the floor muttering "where in the bloody hell are my glasses?" when they had slid up his face. 

Sirius was sprawled out on his bed like a dog, silent for once, and Pete had already passed out in his own bed, so there wasn't much to do except open a book. I wasn't complaining about this because I almost never got to read when they were around because I couldn't focus. 

I grabbed the book I had been reading on the train, Carrie by Stephen King. I sat down and stuck my legs out in front of me, and began to read.

Dawn faded to the pitch-black of the sky when I should have been in bed, but who needs sleep, right? After I had put on my pajamas and was almost asleep, I got the sense of someone watching me. So I popped open one of my eyes, to see a pale face with crooked glasses thrown on, grinning at me.

"Ah!" I whisper-yelled. Once it clicked in my brain that it was James, I made a sound of annoyance. "What do you want?" I asked. James sat at the foot of my bed. "I have possibly the best idea in the history of ideas!" he proclaimed, looking quite proud of himself. "What?" I asked, ready for him to explain, me to say 'no way in hell' and for him to go back to his bed so I could sleep.

"Let's make a map, but not any map, oh don't give me that look, Moony. Where it could show all the locations and magically track people." I began thinking. "You mean like kind of a...moving map? So wherever someone is, it'll show up?" 

"Er...kinda. A map of Hogwarts though, and the grounds. We could use it for pranking," James said excitedly. I sighed, of course, James couldn't have a good idea if it didn't have something to do with mischief. "it's possible. Violet's friends tried to do similar things when they were in school. I know some charms that might work..." James snorted. "No surprise there, Moony knowing everything, as usual."

"At least I know not to stick a fork in an outlet, unlike some people." 

"Aw screw off, Moony. Anyways, it's like twelve thirty and I need my beauty sleep, 'night."

"Beauty sleep obviously isn't working. 'Night, James."

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning was a flurry of excitement, exhaustion, and many 'where the bloody heck is my...oh there it is' from all of us. We barely made it to the Great Hall on time.

We slid into our seats right as McGonagall started handing out schedules to the Gryffindors. She gave us an exasperated look as she handed us ours. Everyone around me immediately started comparing theirs. 

"Okay, Remus looks like I have Arithmancy, Defence Against the Dark Arts, and Potions with you. Marlene has Potions with us. And Alice has Arithmancy with us!" Lily said, from her seat next to me. "That's great, Lils," I replied, not super enthusiastically, because it was, after all, seven thirty in the morning. She knew I couldn't function without my iced coffee. 

"Oi, Moony, we only have Transfiguration, Potions, and Divination together!" James whined. I looked up at him. "You’re just sad because now you have no one’s notes to copy.” 

James looked (falsely) offended, but we both knew he copied my notes in every class we have together, and if I didn’t let him, he pleaded with me until I relented.

“Let’s see if we have any classes, Moony,” Sirius said. So we stood side-by-side, comparing one person's schedule to the others. “Wow, we have Arithmancy, Charms, Potions, History of Magic, Transfiguration, and Astronomy. Yay! So I have a smart person in some of my classes!

I was actually pretty happy with my schedule this year.

Transfiguration- Professor McGonagall 8:00-9:00  
Arithmancy- Professor Capello 9:05-10:05  
Divination- Professor Trelawney 10:10-11:10  
Charms Professor Flitwick 11:15-12:15  
Lunch- 12:15-1:00  
Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor Jenkins- 1:00-2:00  
Potions Professor Slughorn 2:05-3:05  
Astronomy Professor Henna 3:10-4:10  
History of Magic Professor Binns 4:12-5:00

 

It was a busy schedule, though, but that was good. I would feel like I was getting things done. Sirius, James, and I split from Pete and walked to Transfiguration together.

We walked in and McGonagall looked at us and noticeably sighed. I felt horrible, James and Sirius together, in the same class, and.. shit Snape was here too.

Since the only free seat was beside Snape, and houses could sit together, I threw him a quick apologetic glance and sat beside him.

Here’s the thing. Snape and I actually get along pretty well. We both hate some of the pranks James and Sirius pull, and we’ve been roped into hanging out by Lily. I wouldn’t consider him a friend, but we’re not at each other’s throats either. 

Sirius looked betrayed that I was sitting with Snape, but I rolled my eyes and motioned for him to turn around.

\-------------------------------------------  
I had Transfigured my button to a snail long ago, so I just sat, watching everyone else try. Marlene ended up getting hers stuck in her partner's nose, which was probably the highlight of the class.

When Transfiguration ended, I found Lily by the Charms classroom and I walked with her to Arithmancy. We didn’t really do anything interesting, just discussed and took notes on Pythagorean Numerology.

The day was a whirlwind of me taking notes, whispering, and making sarcastic comments under my breath until lunch.

“Ah, the only period I’ll never have to worry about failing,” Sirius sighed happily as he loaded Shepard's pie onto his plate. “Oi, Black, leave some for us,” Marlene grumbled.

I wasn’t really focused on eating, I was focused on the little blonde kid from Ravenclaw. The one with the weird hair. There was a line of girls, probably first years, standing in front of him, taking pictures with their polaroids.

James followed the line of my gaze and burst out laughing, getting meat all over some sixth year. Sirius looked up as well and fell on his shoulder laughing. The kid looked over to where, at this point, a better part of the Gryffindor table was laughing at him.

“L-look at those robes, mate! I’ve never seen anything so ugly in my life!”

They were referring to the yellow and purple robes, that did not go well together at all. Honestly, he wasn’t really attractive, but for some reason first years love to think they’re ‘grown up’.

 

The boy stood up, and strutted over to the Gryffindor table, looking almost like a rooster. He stood right where Sirius and James were laughing right across from me. “Something funny?” he asked in a voice, which sounded strangely like a squeak. Which only made James and Sirius laugh harder when they glanced behind themselves.

“Something funny?” he asked again, raising a weird-arse looking eyebrow. I could feel Lily beside me shaking with silent giggles. 

“Just the fact you think you’re ‘all that’,” James laughed. “Yeah, cocky, mini blondies don’t last long around here,” Sirius said.

He glared, without effect. “ We’ll see about that. W… who’s he?” I looked up to see he was pointing at me. This little blondie bitch…

“He’s hot. Such a shame he’s with you cocky stupid heads.” The blondie snarled.

I laughed without any humor and flipped him off. Lily started laughing after that, probably because of the look on his face. He looked like a tack had just been shoved up his arse.

Sirius smirked at him. “Anything else,” he asked breezily, taking a bite of his pie. “I know your secret,” was all the boy said before strutting off back to his table.

Everyone was laughing, but Sirius was quiet and pale-faced. “Sirius?’ I asked, snapping my fingers in front of his face. His eyes snapped up. “What?” he asked, sounding alarmed.

“Um… are you keeping something from us?” I asked softly. He immediately stiffened though and leaned across the table so that I could hear him whisper. “Astronomy Tower, eleven tonight.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------  
Sirius Black was a confusing person. He came from a rich family, but dressed like he was homeless and talked with a fake American accent, hated anything to do with words but loved music, and just in general, he was weird and confusing, no offense to him of course.

I had been overthinking the situation for a while. What if he was sick, dying, or had something going on with his parents?” You could never be one hundred percent sure, so I tried not to wonder too much. But of course, me trying to not make it happened, made it happen.  
I was running late. Running up the glass stairs so fast, I kind of felt like I was flying. It was five past eleven when I looked at the clock and realized I should be in the tower.

I reached the round tower at last, and I saw Sirius standing right in front of me. He scared me so badly that I would have slipped if he hadn’t grabbed my arm. He wore a surprisingly serious (no pun intended) look on his face, and he looked almost sad. 

“Everything okay?” I asked as he lead me over to the curved railing of the tower. He sighed and lit a cigarette. 

There was a long pause, and I was sure he hadn’t heard and was about to ask again when he finally spoke. “Not really. It honestly depends on the reaction I get from this.” 

“From what?” I asked. “Did something happen with your parents?” I said the first thing that sprang into my head.

“Nah, I wouldn’t be upset if something happened with them,” he replied, throwing his fag down and stepping on it.

There was an awkward silence where we were both, still standing right beside the railing, but facing each other. After a bit, Sirius broke the silence.

“I’m gay, Remus.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus responds to Sirius's coming out and just a few moments the next day. Mostly a filler chapter although there's a cute moment in the end.

Both of us stood there in a shocked silence. I was staring at him with my mouth slightly open. Sirius wasn’t looking at me. He had his hands shoved into the pockets of his leather jacket and his pale face turned towards the waning moon.

It’s not like I have an issue with it, of course I wouldn’t, but I was just surprised. Sirius had only ever expressed an interest in girls and had been dating them since our first year. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but saying I was surprised would have been a minor understatement. Sirius Black, the well-known womanizer fancied men? 

I noticed that Sirius still wasn't looking at me and that he had lowered his bright gray eyes slightly, staring at the stone floor of the tower. "I'm sorry Remus it's just that you're the only person I could tell... I mean James doesn't really know about.. this kind of stuff and Peter would just shrug it off or something. I just needed to tell someone I mean it's cool if you don't want-" I cut him off by wrapping my arms around his lanky frame tightly. He stood, shocked for a minute, but hugged me back so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a moment. He had grown, I was only up to his shoulder now, shit. He had also grown more muscular, I suppose Quidditch wasn't completely useless after all.

We stayed like that for a bit, my head resting on his shoulder, the leather of his jacket rough yet comforting against my eyelids, locked in a tight embrace against the bone-chilling winds. We both pulled away at the same time, neither of us looking at the other. "So...you're okay with it?" Sirius asked tentatively, shoving his hands back into his pockets, not meeting my gaze.

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" I asked, genuinely confused. "You didn't care when I told you I was a werewolf, which is something that actually changes me. Being gay doesn't change you, Sirius, it's okay. I mean, it's not like you committed one of the seven deadly sins or something, just... that you love people a little differently, which is fine." I tried to choose my wording carefully, not wanting to say something that could be taken the wrong way.

"Oh, thank fuck. I mean, dating all those girls..." he shuddered and smirked at me. "No female I've ever dated can actually suck a dick. They're too busy talking all the time."  
"Sirius!" I was fighting the urge to laugh. "I don't need explicit detals of your...sex life!" He chucked but suddenly turned a serious (still no pun intended) face towards me. "It's really okay though, Rem?"

I sighed. "Of course. I shouldn't even have to tell you it's okay, actually. You should be able to be whoever the bloody hell you want to be without people, least of all your friends, judging you."

A look of obvious relief crossed his face and I felt a pang of sympathy. I had been in his place before when I told my friends I was a werewolf. If they didn't care about that, I sure as hell wasn't going to care about who the others snogged. Unless it was Snape, I would care a bit then. 

"But, I'm going to tell you the exact same thing I told James when he started talking about sex." Sirius whipped his head towards me and I saw his eyes enlarge slightly, it was a small move, but I had known him long enough to sense when he was doing it. "If you bring someone into the dorms, don't... fuck with anyone on anyone else's bed except your own, and put up a silencing charm, please." Sirius laughed. 'Yeah, sure Moony. Want a fag?"

"Always." He smirked and reached into his pocket. "Oh, fuck, I left the rest in the dorms." "It's fine," I responded, reaching up and seized the one that was hanging crookedly out of his mouth, putting it up to my lips and inhaling. He stared at me open-mouthed for a second then grinned and playfully shoved my shoulder. "Little shit," he said, laughing.

"Whatever," I said, letting out a puff of smoke.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Get up, Remus!" a voice yelled from above me. I sat up suddenly only to see the open-mouthed, panicked face of James Potter. "Five more minutes," I whispered, turning away from him. "Moony," he groaned, grabbing my shoulder and yanking me up. "We have an issue."

"Did you lose the photo of Lily you had under your pillow, Prongs?" I whispered, looking up at him with an 'are-you-kidding-me' expression. "That too!" he wailed, making wild gestures with his gangly, freckled arms. "We have ten minutes until classes start and I forgot to do my Transfiguration homework!" 

I sighed and perched on the edge of my bed so that my legs were hanging off the side and brushing the oak floors beneath me. "Calm down. The photo's in here somewhere, and my homework is in my bag. Copy it, and don't forget to put it back."

"Oh, thank you Moony darling!" he said in an exaggerated voice and skipped over to my bag and started rummaging through it. I smiled and rolled my eyes as I jumped out of bed and headed to the bathrooms to change. Note that it takes longer to get ready for school if you have a uniform, it really does. Shirt, trousers, belts, tie, vest, robes, prefect badge, socks, and Converse. I glanced at myself in the mirror and let out a groan. I looked like actual shit. My brown-blonde hair was curly and super frizzy.

"Merlin's saggy left tit," I whispered anxiously, looking at the clock and saw I only had two minutes until classes started. Hopefully, Professor McGonagall was in a good mood today so I wouldn't get in trouble. I brushed my teeth as I walked around my dorm, collecting papers, fags, books, and other shit I had laying around.

Sirius and I were ready first so we immediately ran out the door, and sprinted out of the common room and down the stairs of the tower, dodging first and second years every other pace. He threw me a wave as he ran down another hallway to get to Charms, and I went left to get to Transfiguration. McGonagall was going to have my arse.

___________________________________________________________

I strode into the Great Hall, my strides in tune with the redhead next to me. Lily and I were laughing about some joke that she had made about all the boys in our school and how she would never date any of them.  
“I mean, everyone at this school either sucks dick or is a dick,” I said as we took our seats. She giggled and grabbed a plate. “That would be about right...wait, you don’t suck dick,” she sounded somewhat confused. My hand, which had been reaching for a plate, froze mid-way. “Lily,” I whispered, mortified and chosing to ignore her giggling. 

“Sorry, Rem. Anyways, can I ask you something?” she said, taking a bite of Shepard’s pie. “Yeah, what is it?” 

She looked thoughtful for a second before replying. “So, I probably haven’t brought it up, but every year my family has this Christmas party thing, and I need a date, would you go with me?”

“Lily,” I said, “I-I don’t like you like that…” Lily let out another laugh, drawing a few glances from other fellow Gryffindors. “Merlin, no, Remus! I mean, you’re great, don’t get me wrong, I love you, but you’re not my type. I meant that I don’t like anyone and my parents keep pestering me about it. But don’t feel forced to come, I was going to invite you anyways because mum loves you so bloody much, but...yeah I guess.”

I thought about it for a second. There would probably be some werid Christmas themed alcohol, which would be great because, hello? It’s alcohol, and Lily’s mum really was awesome. The only con would be seeing her ugly sister.

“Yeah, sure, just tell me when it is. Oh, should I bring your mum flowers or something? There’s this floral shop close to where I liv-” 

“I don’t need my mum loving you more than she loves me,” Lily said with mock seriousness.

“Ah, sorry,” I said, not at all sorry. I took a chip off my plate and started chewing on it, and wished Hogwarts had ranch.

“Ah, Moony, Lily! How good to see you!” James and Sirius were walking towards us, ties undone and papers about to fall out of their bags.   
Lily (very obviously) rolled her eyes. Sirius sat down with a nod towards both of us and immeaditley began stuffing his face, what a dog.

“So, Evans, how are you?” James asked, smirking. Lily rolled her eyes again and took another bite of her pie. “Bloody horrible now that you’re here,” she mumbled.

Sirius and I exchanged the ‘fuck me gently with a chainsaw’ look. James, looking wounded, stole a chip off my plate and threw it up in the air, and catching it with his mouth.

Sirius stood up, and I followed suit, just wanting to get out of this awkward situation. What excuse was I going to use though…? 

“Moony, we have to go to the library, remember?” Sirius had suddenly appeared beside me and his eyes pleaded me to go along with his lie. “Yeah, you’re failing Arithmancy, don’t remind me. I didn’t know grades could get that bad.”

Sirius smirked and looked over my head, presumably to Prongs. I sighed, feeling the familiar feeling of guilt in my chest, grabbed Sirius’s upper arm and dragged him out of there.

“Jeez, you really wanted to leave, huh?” Sirius asked as we were halfway down a corridor. “Yes,” I responded, deep in thought about the Astronomy book I had to get. 

We walked into the library and I was greeted with the smell of books, parchment, and for some reason, fruit. “Ooh, Moony, there’s a table over there,” Sirius said, pointing to a wooden table in the corner of the library. I slung my bag off my shoulder and held it out to him. 

“Well, I have to get a book, so would you mind putting this over there for me so I don’t have to lug it around?” He nodded and grabbed it, our fingers brushing slightly, but neither of us chose to mention it as he practically strutted towards the table.

I started peeking around for my book, I had Astronomy later and if I didn’t have that book Professor Celestia was going to be up my arse. Jesus fuck, where was it?

After a few minutes, I finally found the book I had been looking for, “Celestial Constellations.” 

I found Sirius at the back table, flicking his wand around, said wand emitting weird, blue sparks. “Sirius,” I whispered, taking the seat across from him. “Stop. I don’t need to get kicked out and you know you’ll get detention.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, but put his wand away. “Can I ask you something, Rem?” “Mhmm,” I hummed, flipping open my book. “What is it, Pads?”

“So...I kinda like someone, have for a bit now actually, but I don’t know if they’re… ya know…” he trailed off and raised his eyebrows, and I got the message. 

“Ah, well, do you know them well?” I asked, dog-earing my book and flipping it closed. “I would like to think so,” Sirius answered, looking me dead in the eye. 

“Any signs of it?” I asked, pressing further. Sirius shrugged at this. “I don’t know, I’m getting mixed signals. I mean, they have great fashion sense, and have made some comments about people in magazines before, but at the same time, he had a crush on a girl back in like… our second or third year.”

“Shit, sound complicated, mate. But, don’t ask straightforward, like you usually do, be subtle about it.”

“What does that mean?” Sirius questioned. I rolled my eyes jokingly. “Well, of course you wouldn’t know, Sirius, it’s not in your nature. Just… ask discreetly, make jokes or ask about it to see if he even accepts it first.”

Sirius nodded, for once no sound emitting from his lips.

“But, I hope you trust them 100% because if you don’t and they say something… you said you know them well, right? What are they like?”

Sirius shrugged. “I can’t tell you too much, because you’re a smartarse and you’ll figure it out. They’re smart, sarcastic, and daring but no one really realizes it.”

I nodded, processing the information. Damn, who could it be? I really didn’t know. I mean, in his dating life, Sirius usually made it obvious when he was interested in someone, I guess not with this. Makes sense, though, if Sirius knows them well and considers them a friend, he wouldn’t want to lose them. 

“Okay… I have no idea who it is,” I confessed. “I feel stupid, but I suppose I shouldn’t. Just tell them when you’re ready, Padfoot, and if they’re a total arse about it, I’ll beat them up, does that work?”

Sirius looked up at me and grinned, one of his few, non-smirking smiles. “Yeah, sure mate, that works just fine.”

___________________________________________________________

It was around seven when I got back to our dorms. Astronomy had taken longer, because some kids left their books in their dorms and Professor Celestia gave us more work because of that.

I flopped down onto my bed, letting out a ‘whoosh’ of air as I did so. For a few moments, I just laid there, relishing in the soft feeling of the soft fabric of my blanket against my right cheek.

After a bit, I slid my bag off my shoulder, grabbed a change of clothes, and went to take a shower. I hadn’t gotten to shower this morning because A, I woke up ten minutes before my classes started, and B, because James hogs the bathroom every. single. morning.

There were two showers, one of which was occupied by either Sirius or James, seeing as Peter was laying facedown, passed out on his bed. And I have to say I would be there too if I didn’t have homework to do.

I stepped into the shower and sighed in pleasure as I felt the hot water cascading down my body. Thank Merlin for plumbing. 

I probably stood there for five minutes before realizing that I wasn’t going to get clean just by remaining stationary under water, and I grabbed our shampoo. 

Here’s the thing, everyone in our dorm shares pretty much everything. Ties, jumpers, socks, food, homework, books, soap, aftershave (just James and Sirius) so on and so forth, so in our third year, Prongs started reffering to everything as ‘our stuff’ and I guess it just kind of stuck.

I climbed out of the shower, towel around my waist, and put on the jumper and jeans I had brought to change into. 

I stepped out of the hot (and very humid) shower stall thingy (??) and saw Sirius standing there, doing a rather obscene thing.

“Bloody fucking hell!” I yelled, taking a step back and covering my eyes. “Jesus, Padfoot, you could have done that literally anywhere else.”

Why the fuck was Sirius jacking off in the bathroom? Is our species that stupid? I mean, we all share a bathroom, any of us could have walked in on him. 

I tried to ignore my best friends cock as I put my hand on the side of my face and practically tripped over myself as I ran towards the door, feeling my face flaming once more.   
“Next time do it in the shower or whatever!” I yelled, flinging open the door, but not before a mad cackle could escape.

I shudderd as I slammed the door closed behind me.

“Jesus, what were you screaming about?” James asked, smirking at me from where he was spread out on his bed. 

“Pads was jacking off,” I replied, walking over and leaning against one of his bed poles. “And get up, when Padfoot gets his fat arse out of the bathroom, we’re going downstairs to eat.”

“Actually,” James began, propping himself up with his elbow. “We need to talk to you about something.”

So of course I immeaditley began having a mental panic attack and racking through my brain to think of what they could want to talk to me about. I, of course, came up with nothing, so they probably wanted to pull a prank or whatever.

Sirius came out of the bathroom a few moments later, his hair straight and hanging down a little past his chin, and clad in a black t-shirt that probably hadn’t been washed in weeks.

“Okay!” James chirped, jumping off his bed and beaming. “Sit down, Moons, you’re gonna blow your shit! Oh hell, Pete’s downstairs… nevermind we’ll tell him we told you.”

I perched on James’s bed and felt myself grow pale. “About what? Did I do something-”

James cut me off with an (obviously) fake glare. “Christ, I told you he was gonna do this, Sirius. But, yeah it kinda does. Oh no, don’t look at me like that, it’s good, I promise!”

I put my head in my palm. “Usually when you say something’s good you’re talking about naked women, did you get me a stripper or what?”

Sirius barked (no pun intended) out a laugh. “I wish, mate, but nah, this is better.” “What’s better than a stripper?” James asked, probably genuinely confused. 

“Anyways…” James trailed off, looking at Sirius who nodded slowly, staring me dead in the eye. I felt myself shift slightly, I don’t like people looking at me. “Close your eyes and count to ten, Rem, and remember not to scream.”

I groaned and put a hand over my eyes. “You probably did get a stripper.”

1…

2…

3…

4…

5…

Why couldn’t I hear them? What the literal heck were they doing… oh shit I lost track of time.

8…

9…

10…

I took my hand off my eyes, prepared to see a stripper or something, or at least a Vanity Fair magazine, but all I saw were a dog and… was that a fucking deer?

I grabbed on to the bedpost so tightly that my knuckles went white. “Okay, James, Sirius, you can come out now!”

I heard nothing. Did they jump out the window? Damnit, that was supposed to be my thing. The dog came towards me and started licking the hand that was resting on my knee. I sighed and started scratching it’s head, it was a cute dog. I like dogs. 

Well that probably explains why James and Sirius are my friends.

The deer jumped, and stood on all fours on the bed, very James-like behavior. Were… were the animals my friends? Oh shit. Wait… did those dumbasses find out how to become anamagi?

I jumped up, and accidently stepped on the dog, who yelped very loudly and the deer gave a semi psycho smile. Jesus Christ.

The dog gave a sharp bark (which remarkably sounded like Sirius’s laugh, I thought) and I whipped my head around in concern.

There, sitting exactly where the deer had been, was James, petting the dog.

I felt my eyes widen. “James, what’s going on?” James only grinned and closed his eyes. A moment later, the deer was back in his place and Sirius was in the dog’s.

I fell back against the wall and pressed my back to it, my hands covering my nose and mouth. “What the bloody… change back, now, and explain yourselves.”

I was like a mother at this point. A mother who drank and cursed too much, and a mother who didn’t raise her children very well.  
They changed back and stared at me, grinning. James spoke first. “We’re animaguses, Remus.”

“Anamagi,” I corrected, not unkindly. “Why, may I ask, did you become anamagi?”

 

James and Sirius exchanged looks, and turned back to me, sympathy in their eyes. “You’re gonna need to sit for this, Rem.” I nodded and perched back on James’s bed and they got up, and stood facing me.

“Well, we know about your… furry little problem,” I resisted the urge to laugh. “And back in third year, that ya know, it must suck going through that shit alone, so Sirius did some research- I know, crazy right?”

All three of us gave a nervous laugh and looked around at each other. “So, we did some research and saw that there was no way we could help you as humans, so we became animals.”

“Evaluate.”

“Well, we can’t see you in the hospital wing after your transformations, and help you then, or go down to the shack with you, so… we want to be with you during your transformation-”

“No,” my voice had a sharper edge than I intended. “I appreciate it, fuck, I do, more than you can understand, but no, you absolutely cannot. What if I hurt one of you?”

Sirius sighed and looked at me, his intense grey eyes meeting mine. “You’re not going to- no, Moons, don’t give us that look. You’re not going to fucking hurt us. We knew what the fuck we were signing up for so please, just be quiet and accept how much your friends fucking love you, okay?”

James had his mouth gaped open slightly, and I felt one of my eyebrows arch.

 

Realizing that I wouldn’t be able to convince them that this, in fact, was not a good idea, I stood up and silently wrapped my arms around both of their shoulders.

We stood like that for a bit, unmoving, with my head resting on both of their (higher up) shoulders.

“We’ve turned into a bunch or saps, haven’t we?” James’s voice was muffled bu my jumper. I heard Sirius snort, and we all pulled back.

“For real, thank you both,” I whispered, feeling tears stinging behind my eyes. They both grinned and Sirius slipped an arm around my shoulder and gave me a one-armed hug.

“Sorry to ruin the mood, but can we eat now? Sirius and I had practice and we’re starving,” James piped up, somewhat sheepishly from behind us. I rolled my eyes and grinned at him. “Do you ever stop thinking about food?” I asked as he pushed the door open and Sirius and I followed behind him.

“It’s...It’s okay with you though, right Rem?” James asked as we moved through the deserted corridors. “Mmm…” I hummed for a bit before replying. “Not really, no, that you would willingly put yourselves in that situation, but don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it a lot, honestly.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and smirked at James. “Told ya he was gonna say that, five galleons.” I thought for a second and stopped in the middle of the corridor. 

James and Sirius made it a few paces ahead, arguing, before realizing that I wasn’t walking with them, they whipped their heads around and stared in confusion. I took a few steps closer, feeling my mouth open and close like that of a fish.

“Y-You are registered, right?” I whispered, afraid to know the answer. James reached up and awkwardly scratched his neck. “Well...erm...ya see, Remus…”

I could feel myself practically shaking. Shit, these last two days had been filled with nothing but bloody drama. I exhaled and looked at them. “You do realize that’s illeagal, right? That you could be expelled...or even taken into custody for a bit.”

Sirius let out a sigh and draped his arm across my shoulders once more. “We know, and yeah, we’re doing it for you, mate, it being illegal makes it more fun.”

I smiled sadly and shook my head, but made no comment. “Really, I would hate if you got in trouble just because you were trying to help me.” 

“We chose to do it, Rem, we know what could happen, trust us on this,” James replied, skipping into the Great Hall and sitting beside Pete, who was stuffing his face. 

“I thought you left me,” he wailed as Sirius and I sat across from him and James. “Nah, we wouldn’t,” I said, putting some vegetables on my plate. 

Dinner continued as usual, Sirius making innuendos every other time someone spoke, James laughing too loudly and making a mess, me making sarcastic comments to Sirius that made him almost piss himself, and Pete who laughed and stared with wide eyes.

We were back in the dorms by eight and we all flung ourselves onto our beds, legs crossed at the ankles, and staring up at the ceiling. “We told him,” James suddenly said, removing his glasses and setting them on the table beside his bed. 

“What? Without me?” Pete asked, looking over at him. He suddenly turned to me. “So, you know, Remus?” I hummed a yes and he sighed. 

“Not a fan of the fact that you’re all three doing it illeagally, but I appreciate it a lot.” I remarked, honestly.

Suddenly, Sirius lauched himself off of his bed and onto James’s. “Wake up, old man! Moony, Pete, help me beat him with this pillow damnit!”

Pete and I watched as Sirius and James wrestled around, whacking each other with their pillows as they shreiked and cursed and made a mess of James’s bed.

“Guys,” I groaned, walking over and trying to pry one off the other. Sirius smirked, sat upright, and started gently whacking me with his pillow, well, whacking me more gently than he was James, which I of course, was not having, so I grabbed Pete’s pillow, ignoring his whines, and started whacking both of them with it.

I landed a good hit to James’s back, and Sirius’s stomach, and James was whacking my back. We were laughing so hard we could barely breathe, and it was exchlirating. It’s that kind of feeling when you’re so happy in a moment, that you’re not thinking about anything else in the world, except that feeling, it cascades over you like the sun in the afternoon, like the warmth of a blanket.

Thump. Well, there was James falling off the bed. So it was just one-on-one now. I was in a mad giggling fit, and Sirius and I were whacking the other everywhere and anywhere we could get a decent hit.

We were all giggling, even James who was folded into a fetus position on the floor, wheezing.

Suddenly, the wind was knocked out of me with an ‘oof’ and I found myself flat on my back, and Sirius above me, the only barrier or seperation being a pillow between us.

We were panting softly and staring at each other, hazel eyes boring into grey ones. Hm, I had always known his eyes were grey, but now, I could see that they were multiple different shades. Charcoal around the rim, a slim strip of pewter around the charcoal strip, and bright silver everywhere else, a dark pupil, (which was huge at the moment), standing out in all the greys.  
The moment was (unsurprisingly) ruined by James launching back up from the floor and onto Sirius’s back, flipping them both over my head and onto the floor, where they continued to scream and curse as they had before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave kudos and comments, I'll probably update sooner if I get motivation haha


	3. Chapter 3

hey guys! i'm so sorry but this account won't let me post anything over 1000 characters, so i'm going to have to make a new account


	4. chapter III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i got my account fixed guys!! here's another chapter!

*THREE MONTHS LATER*

Sirius POV:

What had I done? I had majorly fucked up. I was dead. 

I was sitting on a bench outside of the Hospital Wing, James on a bench across from me, purposely avoiding eye contact and looking absolutely livid. I knew I had fucked up, and that Remus would probably never forgive me. What had I been thinking? I was drunk, but what was I thinking? He was going to hate me, Snape was going to tell the whole school and Remus….

He was going to get expelled. He was going to be isolated once more, just as he had been before Hogwarts, because everyone else would see him as a danger, where as I should be seen as one.

That was what pained me the most. Not knowing that I was going to be punished, but knowing that he was as well. FOR ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I would take this to court if I had to, paint myself as a bloody criminal if it meant nothing had to happen to Remus. 

The door opened and both James and I snapped our heads up, to see a very grave-looking Madame Pomfrey.

“A-are they okay?” I choked out, my voice scratchy in my throat. She turned and glared at me, and frankly, I deserved it. I deserved anything and everything people did to me. “Yes,” she answered crisply, and I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding. “But, you have to be injured to get into the hospital wing, as you already know, so scoot, go back to your dorms.”

“No.” I hadn’t realized James and I had spoken in sync until Madame Pomfrey’s eyes narrowed. “Yes, you will. Unless you are injured.” 

I turned to James, so that we were facing each other. “Punch me,” I said, dropping my arms to my sides.

“What?” he asked, a confused expression on his face. 

“Punch me. I deserve it.” I swallowed a lump in my throat as I thought about how much I really did deserve to be punched.

“Damn right,” James growled. And without warning, he slung his arm back and punched me in the nose. But, instead of just punching me once or twice like I had expected, he kept slinging his arm back and forth and hitting me in various places, mostly the face.

“Boys!” Pomfrey barked, grabbing each of us by our upper arms. “Potter, detention for the next two weeks, five o’ clock. Black,” she sneered, turning to me. “Follow me.”

I couldn’t decide which was more sad, the fact that I deserved to be hit, or the fact that I just stood there, silent tears running down my face, not fighting back.

_________________________________________________________

I was out of the Hospital Wing not even twenty-four hours later, with only an already fading bruise the only evidence that I had been hurt, but Remus wasn’t. This had been his worst full moon since well… ever in the time that I had known him.

And to think that I’m the reason why it happened…

*FLASHBACK BEGINS*

I had had one too many firewhiskeys, and was leaning against the cold, stone wall of the fifth-floor corridor, and was looking for a snog.

“Black,” a cool voice rang out from the opposite end of the corridor, Snivellous, ugh. “Greasy git,” I greeted, downing another sip of the burning liquid.

He frowned. “I could get you in trouble for drinking that, Black,” he snarled, cocking his head towards the bottle. “Fuck that,” I replied, taking another long swig.

“McGonagall is going to kill you,” he sang as he stalked off towards the direction of her office. “Wait,” I slurred before I could stop myself. “I’ll tell you where to find something really cool.”  
He made a snarl-like sound, but turned around nonetheless. “What?”

My mouth was moving faster than my head, and I was struggling to keep up with what I said. ‘G-go to the whomping willow-” I clamped my free hand over my mouth, realizing what I had almost said.

“What is it, Black?” he snarled again, pressing his wand against my throat. “Wait, I could just use this,” he said, pulling out a clear potion vial.

Before I even realized I had, I had punched him in the face. He staggered backwards a few steps, and sent me a glare. I set my firewhiskey on the ground, after all, I had bribed a group of seventh years for it, I wasn’t going to let the bottle go.

He rushed towards me and we fell into a heap on the floor. Me, on top of him, punching him.

He grabbed me by my hair… oh no… my luxurious mane… and smashed the vial against my lips.

I tasted something awful, that I couldn’t describe, and it could have been the potion, or the fact that it was mixed with blood coming from my lips.

“What about the Whomping Willow?’

“There’s a k-knot in the middle, press it, and you can get around it, then, there’s a tunnel under t-there.”

I felt my eyes widen and my hands start shaking as I realized the words that had just left my lips. “N-no, don’t go, nevermind, d-don’t go there,” Snivellous rolled his eyes and threw me down on the ground. “You told me there was a surprise there, if it’s a prank, I’m telling McGonagall.”

“No!” I roared, shocking even myself at how scary my voice sounded. “You will not, go there, do you understand me, you stupid fucking arsehole?” 

He rolled his eyes. “Make me, Black,” he drawled and started running down the corridor. The bottle of firewhiskey I had picked up to hydrate myself with, slipped from my grip and smashed to the floor, shards going everywhere as I ran after him.

I was almost drunk, but I still ran almost as fast as him. “Padfoot what-” 

“James!” I screamed, slowing down and gripping him by the shoulders. “What’s going on, Sirius? Are you okay?” I could feel my body shaking, and I would have been cold if a wave of heat hadn’t been spreading over my body.

I must have made quite a sight, wide-eyed, bruised, with shards of glass stuck in my lips, and blood running down from my mouth onto my neck. Must have looked dashing.

“ I told Snivelly how to get into the...the shack…. It was an accident, James...dear God...”

“You what?! How could it be an accident?!” James screamed, letting go of me, the panic evident on his face. “Come on, Siri! We have to get him away from there!”

We ran, down the hill, getting our shoes mildly soaked in the process. Oh, it was raining… I hadn’t even noticed...

*FLASHBACK ENDS*

All I could remember after that was James yelling and the bright lights of spells being thrown. I felt horrible. I should apologize, but one, I didn’t know if I could speak without crying, two, because it wouldn’t matter anyways, I had already done what I had done, nothing could be done about that now, and three, I had no idea what to say.

My thoughts were practically screaming at me for being so stupid. I should know what to say, I know exactly what I did, but I didn’t know how to remind myself of it without breaking down. Fuck, I was a mess.

I was drowing in the silence of my own head. The roaring of my thoughts was similar to the crashing waves of the ocean, but yet, everything was silent.

I had gone through the day in a haze. I couldn’t really see, or feel anything, but somehow I was at all of my classes at the same time, taking notes, but not saying anything. Muscle memory, I guess.

I wasn’t taking notes for myself, I was taking them for Remus. It was a shitty way to even think to make up for something, and I wasn’t trying to apologize when I did it, I was just used to doing it, and it was a nice thing to do.

I only ever did nice things for Remus, but still.

I somehow found myself, heavy-hearted, outside of the door of the Hospital Wing. I knocked loudly, seeking permission to enter, because I was even too wary to do that. A moment later, the door was cracked open, and Madame Pomfrey’s angry face was barely visable.

“What do you want, Mr. Black?” she asked, rather angirly.

“I...um… well I took these notes in class today...could you...I-I mean would you… give them to Remus for me?” I stammered, feeling like an actual pile of dog shit under her gaze.

“Thank you,” she said cooly, snatching the papers from my hand and slaming the door in my face.

_____________________________________________________________________

 

James hadn’t talked to me in two days, and I knew for sure that I deserved that. Peter hadn’t talked either, just looked at me every now and then, and would make a whimpering sound before turning away. 

The door to the dorms creaked open, and I turned, my hair shielding my eyes, so no one could tell if I was looking or not, it was James, looking pissed.

He stalked over to me. “Black,” he snarled. I looked up and raised my eyebrows, signaling that he should speak. “He’s coming back in like… ten minutes, don’t say a fucking word unless he talks to you first. Do not aknowlage his existence, speak, or even look at him in the wrong way or I swear to Merlin I will kill you.”

James had never sounded so menacing, so I just nodded, and went back to mindlessly doodling.

Roughly ten minutes later, James and Remus walked in and I could have sworn my heart had nearly stopped beating. Remus was more pale than usual, and he still had a bandage around his hand, and the bags under his eyes weren’t helping. My hair was still hanging, rather curtain-like in front of my face, so hopefully he couldn’t tell I was looking at him.

Poor Moony, I seriously just wanted to hug him. He looked over at me, and his beautiful, usually soft, kind, hazel eyes hardened instantly. “Moony!” James had just come out of the bathroom and was walking over to him quickly. 

“I’ll take your bag- don’t give me that look, sit down, Rem, and I’ll get you chocolate, do you need help catching up with lessons? I’ll let you copy my potions essay…” James was a total mother hen sometimes, and I could practically hear Remus’s affectionate eyeroll. It’s funny how you pick up on some people’s little traits and quirks like that.

“I’m fine, James, more emotionally hurt than physically, so don’t worry. No, someone dropped off notes for me, I don’t know who, Pomfrey just brought them in, thank you though,” Remus replied, his voice somehow light and airy.

“Oh, okay. Do you need anything?” James asked, being a fussy mother.  
“I’m going to take advantage of this offer and say yes, my book, Carrie and dark chocolate, please and thanks.”

“Knew you were gonna say something like that,” James replied, and I heard him walk across the room to the bookshelf.

I sighed and rolled over on my back, spelling my curtains shut as I did. They closed almost instantly.

But not before I saw a pair of depressed hazel eyes gazing at me.

_____________________________________________________________________

“What a dick,” Lily said as she twirled some pasta around her fork.

I shrugged, biting my lip. “Yeah, I’m mad but…”

“Are you kidding me? I would be livid, Remus! Hell, I am livid!” she laid her fork on the edge of her plate and glared at me.

Lily and I were doing our Friday night ritual, sneaking into the Room of Requirement after duties and eating, watching old movies, and gossiping.

“To be fair, I haven’t heard anyone else’s side of the story… other than James’s and Snape’s.” I felt a wave of dread go through me when I thought about the story I had heard from Snape. He had seemed livid at first, but seemed to soften at least a bit, when he figured out it hadn’t been planned and that I had no idea what had been happening.

She rolled her eyes. “How much different can it be, Remus? It doesn’t excuse anything he did.”

“It doesn’t, at all, but at the same time… while Sirius has done some rather… rash things in the past, he would never, in his right mind, do this to any of his friends, I know that for sure,” I replied, and I honestly believed what I said.

She seemed to relax a little, and picked up her fork, but the iron grip she had on it said something else.

“Just be careful, Rem, please, I don’t want anything happening to you, and do not continue to be anywhere around him if he meant it, or I’ll kill both of you myself.”

I smiled softly. “I’m not that stupid, Lils. Believe it or not, I’m pretty pissed too, but it’s happened, and there’s nothing I can do to undo that, it was his fault, I do know that, and Sirius, yes, is rather stupid at times, but he’s not cruel. He’s spent almosy five years striving to prove that he isn’t like the rest of his family.”

She popped a bite of pasta into her mouth and put her hand under her chin, contemplating. “I suppose… but I’m still bloody livid at him, you’re a saint for not going after him already.”

“Not really, now, that doesn’t mean we’re going to go back to being gay old lads or whatever, I intend to make him suffer a bit, to know that I am, actually, pissed, but I’ll sit down and talk to him eventually.”

“You’ll always be gay old lads,” Lily said, throwing a glance towards the televsion, where ‘ To Kill a Mockingbird ‘ was playing softly.

“What do you mean?” I asked, puzzled.

She sighed and plopped her plate down on the ground. “Nevermind, Remus, let’s just watch the movie.”

I fell asleep that night, way after Lily, with feelings of dread, depresion, fear, and the thoughts of Sirius Black dancing around in my head.

_____________________________________________________________________

I had decided to ignore him for a few days.

A few days turned into a week.

A week turned into two weeks, during which I was very lonely, even though my friends were around me constantly.

Well, except the one friend I actually wanted to see.

He had been avoiding me like a plague. Sometimes, our eyes would meet in class or in the Great Hall and we would stare at each other for a second, then snap our heads back down and pretend to be taking notes, although we both knew we weren’t.

I had come to a conclusion after the first week and a half of this whole ‘shun the Sirius’ thing, as Lily had dubbed it.

Forgiving was hard, especially when you still had some anger and sadness over what or who you were trying to forgive. If it was anyone else but Sirius, I wouldn’t even be trying to forgive them, but this was Sirius. I still hadn’t confronted him about it, but I planned to do so today. I knew James had Quidditch practice, and Peter had tutoring with Dorcas Meadows, so no one would be in the dorms.

When I was dismissed from Astronomy, I raced back up the moving staircase (which was a horrible idea) and got to the dorms before Sirius.

I threw my bag on my bed, wincing slightly when it landed and a few books fell out. I shook my head and told myself I would deal with it later.

I took my place in the square between the beds, my arms crossed, and legs slightly spread. I glanced at the clock above the door and saw that I had approximately a minute until Sirius was going to walk in.

Sure enough, about a minute later, the door opened to reveal Sirius.

I felt my mouth open slightly, probably in shock. He looked much worse than the last time I had actually gotten a decent look at him. His bright grey eyes, which usually held mischeif, happiness, and something like arrogance, were instead like twin thunder storms, without the electricity.

They were almost like twin pools of sadness. 

 

He had dark circles framing his eyes, making him look pretty raccoon-like, his usually smirking lips drawn down at the corners, and he looked like he had lost some weight. I wanted to console him, perhaps even hug him, but maybe that was my empathy kicking in, I didn’t want to do anything until I knew I could trust him.

He walked past me and dropped his bag onto his bed. 

“Sirius,” I began, not really sure how to go about this conversation. He arched a brow in my direction. I sighed and said one of the most overused terms of our time. 

“We need to talk.” Sirius nodded silently and leaned against his bedpost. “I’ll move out,” he said, in a dark, bitter voice.

“I wasn’t going to ask you to,” I replied evenly. 

“Then what, Remus? I’ve already ruined your life, don’t let me ruin it even more.” I sighed and blew a strand of hair out of my face irritably. “Don’t be dramatic, you didn’t ruin my life. And from what I heard, you were high or something, so yeah, I’m bloody livid, don’t think that I’m not, but I want to know exactly what happened, I think you owe me at least that much.”

He nodded, squatted down, and started fiddling with a floorboard. “You can do that later, I want to know now.”

He glanced up and his eyes met mine, and I had to resist the urge to smile and hug him once more. “That’s what I’m doing.” The floorboard came up and much to my surprise, there was a penisive hidden under it. 

“How did that get there?” I wondered aloud, as Sirius set it onto a table with a heavy thump. He shrugged, “it’s been there for a bit, I accidentally found it back in second year.”

I nodded and walked over to the table, taking a spot beside him, so that we were almost shoulder to shoulder. He put his wand to his head, and a moment later, a silver orb appeared at the end, and he lowered it to the circle-shaped opening of the penisive.  
“You know how they work, right?” he questioned. “Obviously,” I replied, quirking up the corners of my lips into something which I hoped looked like a smile. 

So I took a deep breath, gripped onto the gelid sides of the pensiive, and slowly lowered my head into the penisive.

___________________________________________________________________

SIRIUS POV:

Remus had been gazing into the penisive for a little more than two minutes, and although I was freezing, I could feel the sweat running down my back. Disgusting. I should have known today was not the day to wear my favorite black sweater, cashmere always made me sweat.

“I feel nausous,” Remus’s voice brought me out of my sweater-filled daydreams. “Ya good?” I asked, stepping closer.

“Yeah...sorry.”

“Why are you sorry, mate?” I asked, feeling genuinely confused. Why would Remus, who had been a victim of this whole stupid thing, be sorry?

“I… well, sorry for not asking sooner I guess, I should have asked for an explanation instead of not speaking to you,” he was averting eye contact and biting his lower lip, and I felt something twist in my gut.

“Nah, I should be sorry,” the words were coming out before I realized I was even speaking. “If I hadn’t said anything to Snivlley, nothing would have happened.” For one of the first times in my life, I felt remorse.

I heard a sigh and suddenly lanky arms were around my neck and there was a head resting on my shoulder.

I leaned down into the jumper-clad shoulder and breathed in the familiar scent of vanilla, cinnamon, parchment, and something distinctly Remus. I exhaled and pulled him closer. Merlin, I had missed this.

We stood there, locked in an embrace until the golden light of the sunset shone too brightly through the windows.


End file.
